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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
Your chuckle for the day
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
A parable to meditate upon
As they went along they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding."
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."
So they decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked, "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."
So they both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying, "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."
The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, the donkey gave a big sneeze; they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye.
Puns for Educated Minds
- The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
- I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but
it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
- She was only a whisky-maker,
but he loved her still.
- A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
- No matter how much you push the envelope,
itīll still be stationery.
- A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was
cited for littering.
- A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
- Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
- A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
- Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
- Atheism is a
- Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.
- A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
- The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
- A backward poet writes
- In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
- When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a taste of religion.
- If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
you'd be in Seine.
- A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
- Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
- Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
- There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.