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Why I Like Retirement!


Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the
couch.

Question: How many retirees does it take to
change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get
everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called
Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered
formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the
time.

Question: What is the common term for
someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out
the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do,
one of their adult kids will want to store stuff
there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe
retirement?
Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of
going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your
parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING.
Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied,
  'Two years older than me’.
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home,
is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries,
a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than
a jet engine, take 40 different
medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my
hands and feet anymore. Can't remember
if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends.
But, thank goodness, I still have my
driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.

'*********
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with
5 or 6, maybe 10 others.
Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!


Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing